by Misako Lauritzen
Sometimes the smartest people make the mistake. They ignore the signs. They keep going as if everything is normal. And then, they break. When that finally happens, it is too late.
My father was an example. I almost became one, so I know. I know how easy it is to pretend.
My father was a brilliant dentist. People came to see him riding a train for two hours. He had a magic touch. When Dr. Taniwaki works on your teeth, it doesn't hurt a bit, they said. He was a small town dentist. No one famous, but well-loved and respected.
He also was a complicated man, and he did not reveal much of himself. It wasn't that he was shy and didn't talk. In fact he loved the battle of words and he could corner you into submission with his combative and clever rhetoric. However, like many men of his generation in Japan, he simply did not know how to express his feelings.
My father had a disability in his left leg; his knee was fused and could not be bent due to an unfortunate accident in his childhood. When he walked, it looked as if he was doing a funny little dance with his left shoulder bobbing up and down. If his disability made him ashamed of himself or slowed him down in any way, he did not show it. Whatever he lacked in his physical strength, he made up with his mental agility and fierce intellect. Even a slight sign of weakness he denied himself.
Like many doctors he self-diagnosed. Every night right before he retired to bed, he drank a shot of vinegar, honey and vitamin c powder concoction. That was supposed to keep him sharp and strong till he turned ninety.
It was supposed to. Only it didn't. When he was in his late 40s, he succumbed to alcohol. And in his early 50s he had a breakdown and was institutionalized. That was when he was diagnosed with the Alzheimer's.
He had to suffer a futile battle with his illness for the next 15 years, until on a bright summer day he quietly took his last breath while his loving wife watched over him.
The smartest people make the mistake. If you eat a balanced diet, get a plenty of sleep every night, exercise...., in other words, take a perfect care of your physical health, will it guarantee your well-being?
Not really. Take my father for an example. He was in “perfect health,” as far as his doctor was concerned, until his alcoholism took hold of him. What drove him to drink was his profound sadness, despair and self-hatred, which he would not dare to admit even to himself. Slowly it was eating him alive until.... it was too late.
The smartest people make the mistake. They focus on the physical health but failed to take a look at their emotional and spiritual health. We must remember that they are all inter-connected; our body does not stand alone independent of our mind and spirit. When one suffers, the others become affected.
A little over a year ago I saw that I was reaching a breaking point. I was overworked, stressed-out and downright miserable. I craved time to spend with my loved ones and time to spend on myself. Some days I felt like an overblown balloon about to burst. Other days I felt like I was in the dark water, hanging on to a tube full of holes.
Clearly I was drowning, but when I opened my mouth and tried to ask for help, no sound came out.
If I did not have the example of my father, I would have pretended nothing out of ordinary was happening and kept going. After all I had a child to support and I had to be strong. I would have kept going and.... I don't know what would have happened.... I shudder at the thought of what might have happened.
But because I had a lesson of my father to teach me, I took a moment and listened. To myself. I listened quietly without judgment. My body, my mind, my spirit. They were all crying out for help. I listened and made a vow to myself. That I was taking care of myself. The whole aspects of my well-being, so I would be able to enjoy a long and joyful life with my loved ones, making unique contributions to the world that only I would be able to make.
I believe we all need a reminder to listen to ourselves. Without judgment. Without second-guessing. In the world that we live in we tend to have a skewed focus on what is happening outside of ourselves and overlook what is happening within ourselves, when, in fact, it is what is happening within ourselves that influences and modifies what we call “the reality” of our external world.
So please, today take the time to sit quietly and listen to what your body, mind, and spirit have to say. Please take the time to consider or simply do what feels right to you. Please have the courage to see what is not working in or missing from your life. You have the power to change the things you can.
