Next time you are Angry, try this

by Misako Lauritzen 

Pema Chodron, a beloved and respected monk, talks about our tendency to "fuel the feelings." When we have feelings, be it sadness, anger, jealousy, or whatever else, we do not just have them, we add our "stories" or interpretations of them.

Have you ever said to yourself, "No one likes me," when you invite a bunch of friends to a party, and no one shows up? How about "He does not care about me," when your partner leaves some dishes in the sink for you to do? We keep having these internal dialogues with ourselves and keep these elaborate storylines going, which, by the way, have nothing to do with what is happening in the real world.

Pema tells us that, neurologically speaking, these "feelings" only last about 90 seconds. The reason why they persist for a whole day, a week or even ten years instead is because we keep fueling them with our own stories. Next time you feel sad, angry, lonely, or what have you, open yourself up to experience the full impact of it. Do not be afraid. Do not think you are wrong or weak for having them. Just be present to the fact that you are having it. Embrace your feeling as is. Neither add anything to it or make light of it. The greatest paradox in all of this is once you allow yourself to have an authentic experience of your feeling, it starts to dissipate. 

Meditation for Embracing Your Feelings

This is a short meditation which can be practiced anywhere, even in the middle of a conversation. 

Try to concretize your feeling. Name it. Where in your body is it present? What shape and how big is it? What kind of sensations do you feel? Does it have a color? If you squeeze it, would it be soft or hard to a touch?

Do not ask why you have it. Stick to your feeling and stay away from narratives. If you catch yourself running "stories," acknowledge them and move on. 

Allow yourself to have a complete experience of this feeling. Bring awareness to how its vibrations travel to your toes or to the top of your head. Keep the natural flow of your breath in and out during the entire process. 

When you feel the intensity of the feeling is ebbing, inhale deeply and hold your breath for ten to fifteen seconds. Breathe out slowly and completely, while kindly letting go of your feeling.

Slowly restore the natural rhythm of your breathing. Regain your sense of the physical surroundings by naming objects and people one by one. 

Start and keep relating to what is happening out there in the world. Start living.